Stranger
by Becca the fiend
Summary: Watanuki and Doumeki meet the reason that parents tell their children to not talk to strangers. They may make it out live, but they may need therapy after this... Slight DouWata. Crack. Rater for slight language and implications.


Disclaimer: xxxHolic isn't mine. Muscle Man, however, is.

WARNING: Creepers, and some cursing. Plus loads of insanity. You've been warned.

* * *

It should've been an average day. It had started off normally, and had, for the most part, passed in the same way it usually did, what with Watanuki's rabid flailing and Doumeki's not-so-subtle teasing of said flailing teen.

They had been on their way to Yuuko's shop (Doumeki tagging along for Watanuki's 'protection,' if course) when the day went terribly, horribly wrong.

"Well hellooooo there~"

The two had turned around simultaneously to face the source of the unknown voice, and found themselves staring straight at one of the strangest people the two had ever encountered. The stranger could only be described as a disturbingly dedicated body builder, complete with the unnaturally shiny and glaringly orange complexion, with the added bonus of a tiny Speedo that left nothing to the imagination. (Watanuki also noticed that this was, in fact, the only article of clothing the man was wearing, as he even lacked shoes, though we was walking on hot concrete.)

"H-hello..." Watanuki finally managed to choke out, still feeling the necessity to be polite. The Muscle Man, who seemed to be a foreigner, leered at the teen, causing him to swallow nervously.

"Are those school uniforms, by any chance?" Muscle Man inquired, sounding suspiciously like some sort of creepy pedophile.

"Yes..."

"I see. Are you 18?"

"Not yet."

At this, the stranger did an astoundingly accurate and incredibly creepy impression of a giggling school girl. The action was easily the weirdest thing that Watanuki and Doumeki had ever seen in their short lives, and when one dealt with spirits, talking bunny-things, and the dimensional witch on a daily basis, that was really saying something.

"Well then, little boy," Muscle Man said, speaking directly to Watanuki, "I have a proposition for you."

The hungry expression on the man's face even managed to make Doumeki feel a twinge of fear for his friend. Clearly, this man wasn't an average Watanuki fan girl, or run-of-the-mill creeper. It was almost as if the guy was some sort of professional creeper, and only did body building as a side job, or something. (And if this was the truth, this guy was clearly near the top of his field.)

"How about I show you what real men do for fun, hmm?" Muscle Man continued after he received no response from the teens.

Watanuki opened his mouth in order to tell the creeper "hell no, you creepy bastard" in the nicest terms possible, but all that managed to bubble past the boy's lips was a mess of stutters and unintelligible sounds that were clearly meant to be words.

"He'll pass," Doumeki answered for his friend, giving the stranger a cold glare. However, Muscle Man was not to be deterred in his quest, for he now turned his attentions to a certain archer.

"Oh. If it's like that, then I'm sure we can come up with something. We could include three of us, I'm sure. The more the merrier, you know."

For a moment, both teens were struck speechless by the man's statement. Watanuki visibly paled, looking incredibly disturbed, and Doumeki found himself unable to suppress his expression of disgust for the whole idea. Apparently, the stranger was some sort of super-human creeper, as these two feats were difficult enough on their own for the average person. That the foreigner could accomplish both of these feats simultaneously was unimaginable.

"We'll be fine without that, thanks," Doumeki finally managed to reply, not bothering to hide the iciness in his tone of voice. Muscle Man looked rather crestfallen, but unsurprised by the golden-eyed boy's answer.

"That's what they all say," Muscle Man said with a dramatic sigh, "but, if you ever change your minds, give me a call. Here's my card."

The foreigner placed a business card, which he seemed to produce from thin air, in Watanuki's hand, and walked away, continuing on his quest to find willing little boys to become his bed buddies.

For a few moments, the two teens merely watched the man leave, still rather shell-shocked by the whole encounter, before looking back at the card in Watanuki's hand. (It read: "Muscle Man: THE Muscle Man of the World!" with a phone number underneath.)

"Where did he get the... Actually, I don't think I want to know," Watanuki stated, wrinkling his nose at the offensive card. With a small shudder, the spirit bait strode over to the nearest trashcan, and dropped the card into it unceremoniously. He whipped around to face the archer, his expression firm.

"We. Are never speaking of this again. _Ever_."

"Fine by me."

* * *

AN: I wrote this on paper a looong time ago. (Like, sometime in October of 2009. LOL.) But I only got to typing it up today, because I recently found it in my notebook, and it made me laugh a lot. xD And, since I've been lacking in inspiration for Olympic and anything else lately, I figured I'd share the love. Plus, Muscle Man is probably the best character I've ever created, so I had to use him _somewhere_. I love him, haha.

Other than that, not much to say about this. xD Hope you all enjoyed, and that your brains didn't melt TOO much from this. As always, please review, and tell me your thoughts! I love to hear from you guys. :3


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